Rebekah's blog

2011-02-04T19:38:00.002+08:00

After 626 posts,
I have decided to move on to Tumblr.

Follow me at gethookedonmachineguns.tumblr.com

:D

2011-02-03T21:34:00.002+08:00

I'm thinking of switching to tumblr..
Blogger is seriously lacking in efficiency
and also, they don't allow me to upload photos in a bulk
which I love to do. Like in facebook.
Plus I love fashion,
but I just simply cannot be bothered to
SAVE AS and then BROWSE and UPLOAD
friggin waste of my timeeee.

BLOGGER NEEDS TO REVAMP THEIR WEBSITE
IF NOT IT MIGHT DIE SOON
I AM NOT JOKING
I IS GETTING SICK OF IT.

Time heals.

2011-02-01T15:52:00.003+08:00

CHINESE NEW YEAR IS AROUND THE CORNER..
It seems like yesterday I just celebrated New Year's.
Time flies.
and before we know it,
we'll have 3 kids running around,
and not too long after that,
teenagers asking us for money.

This new year is going to be rather weird..
Don't feel like saying why.
I just really wanna get this exam thing done and over with
so I can go play like a mad cat.

I really don't know how to become a mother..
My younger nephew came over this morning
and wailed like a banshee..
It just made my blood pressure rise..
Babies crying just triggers something nasty in me.

And the cab driver this morning was going so fast
I thought we'd crash,
and during the whole ride my breathing was rather shallow
as I was kind of scared.
but of course we didn't crash..
I have a fear of cars going too fast..
Maybe because I was involved in an accident years back..

I wouldn't mind going back to India anytime.
Oh yah. they were thinking about a HYC India
reunion at the end of this year!
Thrilled to the bone.
I miss my friends so much.

Currently addicted to:
Sarabareilles
Mikeposner
Elizabeth and the catapult.

2011-01-29T22:09:00.001+08:00

MIAOW.
what a tiring day. and my room looks like a pig sty (again)
i have so much to say but my fingers are lazy
so next time then.

Perfectionist. No doubt

2011-01-26T02:23:00.002+08:00

I FAILED MY BM ASSESSMENT. SHOOT.
I SUCK.

SUPER ANNOYED WITH MYSELF RIGHT NOW.
I SHOULD NOT CURSE.

2011-01-24T18:27:00.003+08:00

Finally I have some time to myself today.
Been quite a hectic weekend..
Wasn't able to go home before 10pm 2 nights in a row..
Can't take it.

What kind of person are you??
I really want to find out.
Sometimes I feel like you're so nice,
and then sometimes I feel very judged,
and sometimes I feel ignored.
Everyone's like singing the same tune except me..
Maybe they're right about it..
Didn't see you react in any way.
So it's what I think it is right?

I feel so strange being in the same place as you,
yet I still look out for you.
I am so freaking contradicting.

Okay shut up rebekah.
As usual I am thinking too much.
This probably isn't even an issue.
It's all in my own head.

Pretty pretty please.

2011-01-24T02:04:00.003+08:00

Pardon the sex scene and vulgarities..
I find this really meaningful.
Feels like looking into my own life.
Cut my hair short too because I felt like crap.
LOL.
Reminds me of secondary school..
Got pushed down the stairs,
somebody emptied a sweet drink on my head while walking back home..
Epic..
Excluding the slashing of wrists and stealing HAHAHA
Too chicken to do it.

But yeah.
Been through the phase where everything seems less than perfect.
The weirdest thing is,
because of them I am who I am.
When she checked on her daughter I almost cried.

2011-01-22T00:21:00.004+08:00

Frustration is kicking in..
My cat is missing for almost a day already.
Why can't she just come home???
And save me the grief I will have to go through.
I give her so much love and this is how she treats me and my house.
Like a hotel.
But then again she is a cat.
But she's my best friend and my confidante too!!!
Why can't she understand that?
All this waiting is killing me.
I miss her :(

I hope she is okay, wherever she is.
God please return her to me...
I need her.
and I'm pretty sure she needs me too. :'(
BOO HOO HOO
I REALLY FEEL LIKE CRAP RIGHT NOW.
I WANT MY CAT.
NOW.
FISH IF YOU SEE THIS PLEASE COME BACK TO MUMMY.
:(

2011-01-19T19:40:00.002+08:00

Now I know why hearts harden over long periods of time.
I think when people get hurt they either:
a) Don't care anymore (when deep down they actually do for awhile more)
b) Yes, I am hurt but it'll get better.

obviously option (a) would harden the person's heart
if they choose to think that way too many times,
until they become bitter and negative.

Although the easier option is (a),
I really don't want my heart to harden.
I can feel myself becoming a bit more bitter everytime I choose to just
shove things under the carpet (which is what I do best)

But it's so hard to be vulnerable to myself.
I am actually relieved today is a busy day because there were some things
I really don't want to think about..
But I know at the end of each day I'll still have to face it no matter what.

Every single time I feel a little upset or hurt
my brain would automatically say "Just suck it up Reb"
which now, thinking about it, its actually me just suppressing my feelings.

Guess I'll just have to press on till the semester ends.
Then I'll have more time to think about such things
other than piles of work and revision.
And I wouldn't have to face the person. (ok there I go avoiding again)
Yeah. I just need time and space.
Time and space.

2011-01-19T10:23:00.001+08:00

If that was really all that you can say...
Then haha.

2011-01-18T23:33:00.003+08:00

It's okay to cry right?
I just feel really discouraged today.
Can't help but let a few teardrops roll.
But it's okay.
Everything will be alright once I fall asleep and wake up tomorrow morning.
and it'll all become feelings of yesterday.
Won't they?
God has a plan for me, but why can't I just sit still and be patient?

This stupid soft heart of mine...
I really really regret investing my emotions in this..
I'm really sorry.

Unlucky but lucky start

2011-01-17T11:30:00.001+08:00

First I couldn't find my labcoat for like 10 minutes this morning, I realised I didn't bring my wallet on the bus, and the super annoying bus driver refused to let me get a free ride and shouted in hokkien at his buddy at the back of the bus if he had any change to pay for me... by now I was quite irritated but this really nice malay aunty just shoved a dollar into my palm and saved my life. I was really really grateful. If not it might've been a sticky situation.. I know the bus driver is trying to do his job well but I honestly didn't bring my wallet! Where's the love?! Plus I've seen them giving their uncle looking pals a free ride anyway.. sigh. And just when I thought it was over, all the machines in yishun mrt spat out the ten bucks I put inside to buy a standard ticket. All of them. And me being a stubborn person, fed the machine the weird 10 bucks again and again but to no avail. Bleah. Then I had to go to the office to change money and stuff.. could've been on time for class -.-

2011-01-14T16:29:00.001+08:00

TOOOOOOOOOOOT

A lil bit of India

2011-01-11T17:13:00.001+08:00

2011-01-09T21:58:00.002+08:00

Well aren't you a little too obvious...
Even on the facebook wall..
what heck man seriously.
Ugh i really do not want to think about it now..
Anw,
been really sick these past few days..
didn't see the sun for like 4 days.

Sigh.

No I'm sure it isn't me.

2011-01-05T08:50:00.001+08:00

So...
These past few days I've been walking around like a zombie.. always feeling tired and stuff. I take a really long time to adjust whenever I come back from overseas. (Pictures of my india trip is in my facebook) now its getting dreary. School/home/cca/church. Yay. But at least its wed today and school ends pretty early. Gonna go to my fave restaurant to have steak with jon and then off to karen's house for dinner. Like as if you care about where I go hahaha. Just happy to be doing something other than work/cca after school. Its only the start of today but I'm already missing my bed. Sigh.

i need to let go

2011-01-01T19:43:00.004+08:00

Everything has been sucha blurr these past few weeks.
so much fun
so much to learn
so much to see.

don't feel like talking about my india trip.
makes me feel "emo"

I found out something today,
well not really
guess I already sort of know it awhile back
just that it hasnt really sunken in and i refuse to accept the fact.
and when i let it sink in it felt really sad and heavy on my heart.
I really hate my personality..
i hate it so much..
im so entitled and proud and possessive..
how can i not hate myself when I am like that?

Going away

2010-12-18T21:31:00.001+08:00

My last post before I fly off into the night sky :)
So excited to be on the plane for india.
I pray that all of us will be safe and no one gets sick.
No internet so no updates for awhile. Be back on 30th. I'll miss mummy and fishy :((
Love ya'll.
Bye for now.

2010-12-16T00:21:00.003+08:00

Lying in bed beside my snoring mother.
Her snoring sounds more like groaning at some points..
worries me.. i think people groan in their sleep
when they feel burdened or bothered by something.
Helped her massage her legs just now..
and i thought to myself for
how long more can i do that for her :(
Sigh.

I feel so trapped in this world..
This constant drive to do well in my studies
makes my mind go gaga.
At the end of the day we're worth nothing more than
a pack of 30 cents fertiliser.
But life still goes on.
Guess I just have to push on.

My brother and my sister in law just went out on a date
as my mum and me can take care of their kid.
How sweet is that??!
Seeing my sister in law so excited when she dolled up
and my brother so handsome. HAHAHAHAHAHA

I totally want that when I get married.
Guess all girls are suckers for romance.
Married or not married. ADMIT IT.

I will make sure the next time I love someone,
it will be my last.
I dislike any sort of drama, whining, complications.
I can't stand it.
It just shows you're not serious about the other party.
I think a relationship should be like 2 best friends being together.
You have quarrels yes, but at the end of the day
you just laugh at it or talk it out! No need to re-enact some
dramatic breakup scene.
Passion doesn't last forever, but love does.
Either that,
or i'll be single and surrounded with 3 cats and a dog.
HHAHAHAHAHAHA that would be lovely too.

But I would like to have my own kid of course.
I think it's an experience to be a parent.
It will definitely cure my childish and selfish ways.
To have to put the needs of the child before my own.
I would certainly like to see myself doing that.
I sometimes feel like I'm too selfish.
Bet my mum will laugh at me.

Life is so much more than earning money or having the
most brilliant brain. These things don't matter at your death bed.
Only your family, the way you lived your life and God will matter.
I would love to dedicate my life to raising children who love God,
and also serve the church if possible.
I sound so old.
Pardon me.
It's just that I don't want to live my life
just by living the moment alone.

Biomedical science..
I really hope I can do research in the future.
But first, I need to slog me guts out.

and good night.

2010-12-15T12:32:00.003+08:00

I am having so much fun at my bro's house in KL..
Shopped like crazyyyyyyyyy~
I can never shop like this in singapore..
Never. ever.
Bought SO MANY THINGS.
Bags, shoes, clothes, undies, candy, sunglasses, hair bands etc.
and I ate SO MANY THINGS.
The food here is awesome because it has a lot of variety to choose from.
Seriously spoilt for choice.
Freaking bloated after every meal.
Enjoying my time with my family here.
It's a nice feeling.

Going to sunway lagoon in a bit.
YESSS!
I am dying to check out the bungy jump station..
The weather now's really sunny :)
Sigh I have to return to Singapore tomorrow.
Sucks. But Yay.
Leaving for India on saturday. 3 more days!!!!
WHEEEEEE.
Haven't even started packing anything.
I think i'll have to pack the day before.

Looking forward to spending time with disciples over there
and eat their food and see their culture,
and most importantly get closer to God,
reflect on year 2010 (Honestly the 2nd half of this year was :( )

There this person who keeps floating around in my mind.
Freaking keeps popping up.
I need to stop it!
Argh.
I do not know what it is like to like a person anymore.
Honest.
And also, half the time I have no idea what I am feeling.
It's either, I am happy or sad. No in betweens.
Why am I such a simpleton?

I am so defective. No kidding.
I keep beating myself up for shizz.
Very, very very bad habit to have.
I should grateful for every single aspect of myself
because the God almighty was the one who made me.
Who am I to doubt his power.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I suddenly thought of Min Li,
she forced me to go out after MSTs to watch rapunzel (which is awesome)
at cathay with her and lizzi.
We literally had a verbal battle on the phone on whether
I should go out or go home, she obviously won.
Couldn't even rebutt her argument.
which was:"YOU ALWAYS GO HOME!!!"
"WHY NOT COME OUT JUST THIS ONCE AFTER EXAMS?!"
Super true hahahahah I ALWAYS GO HOME.
If I feel sad, sit at home and watch movie/tv/drama
If I feel happy, go home and read a book and sleep
If I feel tired, go home and sleep
If I feel sick, go home and sleep
If I feel nothing, stay at home and play with fish
After school, go home and rest, study
After church, go home and relax

It's either I'm at school, church or home.
I HATE GOING TO TOWN. Unless I need to get something.
Yes I do hang out there with my friends,
but rarely. I prefer going over to their house
and sleep over and talk. That is what I call quality time.
AMEN!
So you practically know why they know I ALWAYS GO HOME
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I love being at home.
I have everything I need,
I can sit in whatever way I want to,
there are no false pretences, I can fart/burp loudly
I can sit in the toilet for 10 min and no one will think I'm weird.
I can cook whatever I feel like eating.
basically i can do whatever I want.

Okay if you have no idea what I am talking about,
it is better for it to remain this way.
:P
Ok gotta run
BYE!

OHANA means family 8)

2010-12-12T18:46:00.003+08:00

Yes that is the name for my tribe this year at church camp!
I loved it so much.
Had a great time playing, learning, talking.
We went to Johor Bahru this year.
Twas such a great outing with the teens.
Caught up alot,
made new friends,
cried with my sisters in christ,
talked about our lives,
talked about God,
thought about our goals,
encouraged each other,
laughed,
camwhored,
slept like a pig,
ate like one,
watched knowing (what an epic movie),

i can go on and on but all in all it was
AWESOME.

Leaving at 8.30 am for Msia tmr with my mummeh
:)
hope i can go sunway lagoon!
Be back on thursday late afternoon :)
I think I'll bring my laptop there lah.
Since it's my bro's house..

At least I have a talent :)

2010-12-09T23:30:00.001+08:00

I think I finally met my match LOL.
I always seem to screw things up :)
yes that is what i do best.
Screw things up.
Yes.
*jumps onto bed and whacks a pillow*

2010-12-09T16:04:00.003+08:00

YEAHHHHHHH I AM FEELING SO FREAKING HAPPY
for the past 1 day ++ after msts..
Been prawning like nobody's business.
and eating them.
I love food soooooo much.
My closest friends know that they just have to supply me with food,
and my frown will turn upside down. :( > 8D
I can't function well without food.

Tmr onwards is gonna be hectic..
3 trips back to back and only one day rest in singapore.
which is on the 17th :)
And I might be going sunway lagoon how cool is that?!
:( But then noone play with me..
Only me and my mum and my 3 year old nephew.
ah well. I can entertain myself pretty well. I think.
But its kind of sad when you sit exciting rides alone.
No one to freak out with me.
But I can't complain because I am doing what I love.
Gonna miss ...... hehehe
But no I don't think I will because I am having too much fun.

I feel like I do not deserve all this though.
I haven't been working hard this semester. 8((
I'm sorry mum.
But I promise when I get back I'll work hard.

2010-12-07T19:10:00.003+08:00

I saw the video for heal the world by micheal jackson..
and I suddenly had an idea.
North Korea is kind of acting like a dweeb recently,
and apparently peace talks, threats by S.Korea & other countries
have been proved useless because it only boosted KJI's ego.

SO USE THE SOFT APPROACH!
like in the video!
Hold a peace rally!
Have everyone gather together by the millions
and at a specific time,
light a candle and hug each other and maybe even cry a little
if someone is filming.
Maybe stop everything for one whole day if possible.
To show their sincerity.
Make some big shot cry on camera saying
"why do we have to go through so much pain and suffering :'(
Fighting our own brother, when we have so much history together BOOHOOHOO"
Point of doing this?
Plead for reconciliation with their long lost brother N.Korea.

I tell you they will immediately go weak in their knees.
and say "i'm so sorry my brother S.Korea"

But if KJI never back down then I think the situation may get even worse
LOL.
Then KJI is really a dweeb, deep down inside.

2010-12-07T13:45:00.005+08:00

You taught me everything
Everything you've given me
I'll always keep it inside
You're the driving force in my life, yeah

There isn't anything
Or anyone that I could be
And it just wouldn't feel right
If I didn't have you by my side

You were there for me to love and care for me
When skies were gray
Whenever I was down
You were always there to comfort me

And no one else can be
What you have been to me you will always be
You will always be the girl
In my life for all times

Mama, Mama you know I love you
Mama, Mama you're the queen of my heart
Your love is like tears from the stars
Mama I just want you to know lovin' you is like food to my soul
Yes it is, yes it is, oh, yes it is, yes it is, yes it is oh

You're always there for me
Have always been around for me even when I was bad
You showed me right from my wrong
Yes you did

And you took up for me
When everyone was downin' me
You always did understand
You gave me strength to go on

There was so many times
Looking back when I was so afraid
And then you come to me and say to me
I can face anything

And no one else can do
What you have done for me
You'll always be, you will always be
The girl in my life, ooh oh

Never gonna go a day without you
Fills me up just thinkin' about you
I'll never go a day
Without my mama

Today I was gay until i saw this music video.
The lyrics were so touching that I cried.
I always have this fear that my mum wouldn't
be by me for long.
The fear just lingers around no matter how much I try to brush it off.
I think I wouldn't have any backbone
to face the world anymore if she wasn't there.
I'd just flop like a jelly.
I always pray to God that he'll let my mum be by me
and not take her away at least until she sees me get married.
There are so many things that I want to do with her and share
with her, and I wanna make her proud.
So that she'll know at the end of the day all the sacrifices
that she made for me was worth it.
I wanna bring her on a holiday far far away with my own money.
I don't think she knows how much strength her presence gives me.
:')
Love you mummy.

Post mst plans

2010-12-06T12:41:00.001+08:00

After the exam, I shall go swimming,
Sleep like a pig, watch lord of the rings again,
Play com, watch dramas, pack my luggage, and sleep even more. Wanted to include eat like a pig but I remembered I am supposed to maintain a healthy diet during the hols so I won't fall sick overseas. Sigh.

I need some alone time to relax desperately ahh

Work and more work

2010-12-06T12:22:00.001+08:00

I love my phone.
It has internet,
It has facebook,
It has blogger,
It has games.
I don't think I want to buy another phone.

On the way home from school.
Microbio was... why did I study so hard trying to memorise all those terms when only basic stuff came out?! Even woke at 6 today to do a recap :o
But still there were some qns that I don't know how to do. Spent more time on the cheem stuffs.
Hmmm. hoping for the best...

Maths. Maths. Maths.
Although I am very, very, extremely bad at it.
I'm gonna give my best.
Finished 4 chapters, left with 3 plus practice questions.
My brain always seem to jump into slow mode when it comes to maths. I need to overcome this psychological barrier. I do not want to worry about maths when I go overseas. No sir.

I miss you cocoa

2010-12-05T16:43:00.005+08:00

The day before yesterday was quite an exhausting day for me.
I thought my cat was gone forever...
Searched high and low for her around my estate.
In the end she was locked in my storeroom when
my mum went to get something x.x
I was so relieved I wanted to cry.
What would I do without my cat?
Love her so much.

My eyes were like red when I was looking for her.
I don't think I can stand losing another pet.
I lost my labrador retriever thanks to some
annoying neighbour who complained that my dog was noisy.
And people from some crap place took my dog away
while I was asleep.
I didn't even get to say bye to her.
Cried like a waterfall that day.
Me and my mum still tear whenever we talk about cocoa today.
hahaha. She was with us since she was a puppy and
was sort of like my pillar of strength
and also my playmate since I have nobody to talk to other than my
parents. My brothers were already on their own.
Makes me so upset when I think about it.
Don't know where she is now.
I hope she is with a great family with kids who like dogs.
Even though most of my teddy bears and socks were chewed off
I still loved her. and her sweet chocolate brown eyes.

I swear the next opportunity I have I will buy a labrador.
and ask her to bark like mad outside the neighbour's house.
Ok that would be a dumb thing to do.

Sorry if you are not a pet lover.
HAHAHA because I think you'll think I'm crazy.
Feeling so emotional towards animals that can't talk.
I think God gave us pets to fill a void in our hearts.
There's this quality of God in them that I find so amazing.
Unconditional love that they have for their owners.
No matter how many times I shout at my cat for peeing on my bags and stuffs
she still crawl back onto my tummy at night and mew,
and the whole matter will be forgotten.
Although I think I am a bit unemotional towards people,
once I see an animal I just melt into a puddle of goo.

fyi by animals I do not count in snakes, crocodiles, things that
might bite me haha. I do like to read and admire them from afar tho.
I find all animals fascinating.
EXCEPT INSECTS
I seriously can't stand them for nuts.

ANYWAY back to studying.

2010-12-05T02:05:00.003+08:00

Wow i just realised something amazing.
Its so alike I can hardly tell mine apart from yours lol.

Anyway,
i'm like doing maths right now.
I feel completely awake ^^

Church tmr too ^^

2010-12-04T14:25:00.002+08:00

I've been having dreams every time i take a nap or sleep for the past week.
lke really confusing dreams about murder, pop stars, faces, songs..

Dreamt that:
-eminem was dressing up as michael jackson LOL
-My mother is trying to kill me
-Some glee performance and songs in the background
-Somebody's face floating around (i think i shouldn't say who)
-The rest I cannot remember but I remember being very confused after.

SO
i've been waking up feeling tired instead of refreshed.
Just great.

2010-12-04T01:15:00.005+08:00

Fried my brains today :)

Watching Mary Stayed out all night omg it is so awesome.
:) Jung In! I love him.
He is awkward in so many ways.
I sometimes feel like that..
Like i'm really awkward.
Dunno why.

I wonder what its like to love somebody who isn't a friend or family..
I don't even know how to express my love for them,
much less someone I might so called love in the future.
I love my mother so so so much I can just cry at the
thought of her not being part of my life,
but I still make her angry and sad from time to time.
Even though I love her with all my heart.
I love my friends but I can't express it to them.
I guess you can say i'm somewhat emotionally inhibited.
Feel an ocean of emotion but can only express one drop of water.
Kind of pathetic aye.

My dad always told me he loved me, like almost everyday.
But the things he did always felt so contradicting with his words.
Maybe that was when I kind of got immune to "I love you"
I can even count with my fingers the amount of times I said I love you
and looked into a person's eyes for more than 3 seconds with one hand.
Maybe even one finger because I don't even remember doing that before.
That three words is just too precious to say it out like that.
I think I might cry if I ever say them.
3 words but so chock full of emotion.

Don't know why I'm thinking so much today.
Must be very tired.
And a bit confused because I don't know what I am feeling.
But I'm feeling a lot.
Heard this on the radio today :)
Makes me feel like dancing around the room..

The guy in the video is so cute HAHAH!
Doing all those funny dance moves.
But I don't blame him
He's in looove!
Wouldn't wanna eat the pancakes tho.
He picked up the broken eggs from the floor and placed it into the batter!

Gah.

2010-12-03T00:59:00.001+08:00

Been tossing in bed for 3 hours now..
I can't sleep for nuts argh.
This is so not me.
I usually knock out in less than 5 minutes..
Guess my body's tired but brain's still active..
Annoying.
Ok I'm gonna try counting sheeps.
Last resort lol.

2010-12-02T20:20:00.003+08:00

Having a little munchie time now..
:)
Today's cellbio was rather good..
except for a few terms that slipped my mind.

And i got a booster for my maths!
SO thankful.
Gonna continue chionging in a little bit.
~~~~~

I feel like a child who saw a toy so beautiful
but was being denied of it by her parents..

I always pride myself on being able to read people's emotions
just by observing their face and tone of their voice,
but its not always a very good thing :(
It makes me paranoid or upset
without the other party knowing..
An easier way to put it is = being too sensitive to anything and everything.
Watching Lie To Me is further improving my so called skill.
Which at the moment I think is really really annoying.
It makes me think and think of 100 different possibilities of a person acting
in a certain way.
When maybe in reality when A said B, A really meant B.
Not Bc, not, Bd, not Be and so on.... but just B.
Dang it Rebekah..

2010-12-01T22:46:00.002+08:00

Tmr's cellbio mst.
I finished revising earlier on..
Argh i feel so brain dead.
I had to sit at my front door steps just to force myself to study.
eventually i got the hang of it and finished YAY!

Hope it goes well ~
Listening to jay chou songs now :)
He's a big part of my childhood!
hahahaha.
I only listen to chinese songs sung by him..
the rest are kind of meh.

anyway i feel like time passes so quickly.
which is good because i want next wednesday to come quickly.

Butterflies.

2010-11-30T23:39:00.003+08:00

Why are butterflies called butterflies???
What do they have to do with butter..

Anyway.
they were in my stomach today.
Annoying much?
There's like this sense of loss when the person isn't there.
Is there such a thing as "the other half"??
Like you see a person, and you go "she/he is all i want"
Interesting theory.
But it's still a theory.

Gonna read a little and then go straight to lalaland..
PT today was so tiring.
I think I'll go right to sleep 10 seconds after I close my eyes.

2010-11-29T21:29:00.002+08:00

I apologise for the previous post.
Was just feeling so worked up.
I was like "ok rebekah you read your bible right now"
and i saw proverbs 29:8
"Mockers stir up a city,
but the wise turn away anger. "
I need to be wise,
and to be wise,
I need to turn away anger.

I think I have been feeling very tensed up
as the msts are closing in..

I took out the song book and sang one of my favourite
songs since young "Purer in heart"
and the lyrics never fail to speak to me :)

Purer in heart o god, help me to be
May i devote my life wholly to thee
watch thou my wayward feet
guide me with counsel sweet
purer in heart, help me to be
teach me to do thy will most lovingly
be thou my friend and guide
let me with thee abide
that i thy holy face one day may see
keep me from secret sin
reign thou my soul within
purer in heart, help me to be.
:)

Please give me strength and guide me through this
hectic period!!!

creep..

2010-11-29T20:58:00.003+08:00

I am so freaking pissed off..
Some person has been texting me about crap..
like
"HI"
"I ve sad"
and some other stuff i shouldn't say here.
Like wth?
If you need help,
please so straight to the point
and not act like some weird person...
Makes me feel like super uncomfortable..
Even tried to call me..
Haven't even seen that person for like what, 4-5 years?
and what
"I know you gd gal :)"
wth?!

I need to study but this is seriously getting on my nerves..
Why can't i have some peace!

Sorry.
today has just been such a drag.
everyone's like wasting time.
and here someone goes "i ve sad"
just to attract attention.
I AM ALSO VERY SAD (AND VERY BUSY HA-HA)
I wanna help but in the end all the
person wants is someone to chat on sms with.

I feel cheated.

Ok i feel better now. :)

All we ever do is say goodbye

2010-11-26T18:59:00.002+08:00

I got my 3 jabs..
Didn't have to get tetanus and hep b because
i got them when i was born and during P6 (COOL)
Got them on my arms and thigh.
yah. THIGH.
for the very first time..
My left arm was the first jab and it was pretty ok
except when she took the needle out..
Right arm was worse.. Some blood came out so i think
she poked a capilary...
By then my eyes were quite watery,
seeing the blood made it worse lol.
and then came the thigh jab...
It was quite funny.
I was lying down on the side covering my face and my body was
shaking because i was kind of choking/sobbing.
The nurse laughed and i laughed while crying,
so embarassing. Think i was too scared.
I wished my mother was there :(
And then she poked the needle in and it was done..

Not feeling too well when i came back home.
LOL. I think its more of shock than the jab really.
Took pictures of my cat and kept dozing off in between.
Felt so tired and sleepy..
Now body is aching all over.

so much for trying to be brave and go alone.
failed lol
tempted to take off the bandage but nah..

Yay

2010-11-26T12:59:00.001+08:00

Finally done with ideas whooooo. Both classes earned like 800 plus.. which is a lot! Now going for my dreaded jabs.. total of 5 jabs if I dont have hepatitis a and b antibodies after they do a blood test on me... deathly afraid of needles. Good luck to me.

TODAY SUCKED

2010-11-26T00:04:00.003+08:00

I need to really focus for the next 2 weeks
and chiong my guts out..
Wanna do well for msts so that i can have a peace
of mind when i leave the country for almost 3 weeks..

I PASSED LIFESAVING 2 & 3 & CPR
HAHA
HEHE
HOHO
FINALLYYYYY.
Its all over.
YAY YAY.

I really need a new camera man..
Take nice photos in M'sia and India.

3 more weeks to India!!!!!
2 more weeks to retreat!!!
Whoopeedoooooooooo~~~

Testing

2010-11-24T19:58:00.001+08:00

Hehehehehehe

2010-11-24T00:48:00.002+08:00

"You're so strange that I find you puzzling and amazing."
what a nice thing to say to somebody.
contradicting, but nice.
:)
Been watching too much korean dramas XP

Just can't seem to get it off my mind.
Getting quite annoying..
Guess this ruddy brain of mine always thinks too much.
I should go sleep it off.

2010-11-22T23:34:00.002+08:00

This song is so emotional.

If someone said 3 years from now,
you'd be long gone,
i'd stand up and punch them out
cause they're all wrong
I know better cause you said forever and ever,
but who knew.

When someone said count your blessings now,
for they're long gone
i guess i just didn't know how
i was all wrong
but they knew better
still you said forever and ever
but who knew.

and time makes it harder,
i wish i could remember
but i keep your memory
you visit me in my sleep
my darling,
who knew?

2010-11-22T19:34:00.002+08:00

Today was a pretty nice day,
got enough sleep,
painted my nails (ideas fund raising project),
Brought home a new kitten,
got scratched by the new kitten,
first time seeing my cat pissed off at me,
eating a nice dinner.
Rather good day don't you think??
^^

I was about to switch on my com when i heard meowing outside my window..
Went out and saw this little kitten,
named it sushi HAHA
It was mainly white, spotted black grey and orange.
Just like a salmon sushi!!
Too bad i had to let it go after feeding and cleaning it :(
My mother was already nice enough to let me keep Fish..
Didn't wanna make her annoyed.
Fish was so hostile towards the kitten lol
Hissed and arched its back and her fur was standing..
Freaking tried to jump me when I pushed her away.
and tried to scratch me. The almighty master who saved her ass from the ghetto.
and feed her ANF cat food. wth.

Sushi is so beautiful 8(
It got a nice long scratch on my wrist while picking her up though,
blood oozed out of the cut.
Freaked me out man.. Hate seeing blood. Unecessary blood.
Now i look like i slit my wrist LOL.
hope i see her downstairs..

The no facebook thing is going pretty well.
I feel like i have so much free time!!!

2010-11-21T22:52:00.002+08:00

I deactivated my facebook account.
Too many stalkers.
JUST KIDDING >.<
I concluded I spend more time on facebook than doing more important stuff
like for example studying, and hanging out with people that matter to me.
So for the next 3 weeks,
all i wanna do is concentrate on my work/spiritual life,
spend time with my girlfriends,
and also sleep early. LOL good luck to me on that one.
BUT I'M WILLING TO GIVE IT A SHOT.
I'll still blog though.

I made a list of do's and don'ts concerning my eating habits..
Here's exactly what I wrote down.
LOSE TUMMY:
1) No more than 3 meals a day
which failed because the minute i was done with the list I went to
buy a box of tako yaki as i felt like chewing on something.
2) Limit to 1 fried item
After the tako yaki was class, and then I headed straight to buy seaweed chicken,
and then I ate fried wrapped meat for dinner.
3) Do sit ups before bed
Immediately fell asleep the moment I lied down.
4) Do not drink soft drinks
Bought 2 cokes
5) Walk more
I didn't walk anymore than what I usually do.

FAILED ON THE DAY I WROTE THE LIST ITSELF.
LOL.
YOU FAIL REBEKAH.
ME: YES I KNOW 8(

I'm not freaking out about my tummy
just my absolute lack of self control when it comes to food.
I love it too much..
and today,
I ate fried oyster, a plate of kang kong, and fish soup with rice
all by myself. EPIC WIN..
Now I am stuck with an even bigger tummy.
GREAT JOB WOMAN.
I think I would have been better off without that list..
HAHAHAHA.
Ok i'm like dead serious now,
I feel super disappointed with myself for not controlling my urge to eat.
unneccesarily.
From Monday onwards,
It's healthy lifestyle month.
Promise.

I shall go right to bed now and wake up early to do some packing.
My room is always messy
no matter how many times I pack it!
maybe it's because I do stuff on my bed and just
throw my books/stuff/laptop on the floor when i go to bed.
Bad habit. Bad. I know.
I will correct that by the time I get married.
HAHAHAHAHAHA.
Its great being a teen.
You can live in a pig sty for all anyone cares.
Nobody will blame you because YOU ARE A TEEN.
Maybe your mum will nag a little tho.

Okay I should really get going now.
Nighty night.

2010-11-21T20:50:00.000+08:00

This song always reminds me of you LOL.
annoying.
But nice.

2010-11-21T15:32:00.002+08:00

Back from church!!
Super tired...
And my whole body aching from training..
i woke up today feeling so exhausted...
Had to help Rupa with some book sorting today
to sell next sunday to raise funds for the India kids
when we go over.
Hope we can manage to sell off everything!

Sigh.

Lets play the game.

2010-11-19T23:50:00.002+08:00

Surfing was oh so awesome today.
Feels good to be around bodies of water.
The jogging, push ups, and sit ups weren't tho.
Lack stamina. LOL
I should stop swmming so much and start jogging.

Saw him today!!!!
WAOW it's been quite awhile.
It was really nice. :)

I think I decided..
That we should remain this way.
I think I broke one of the idea rules..
Don't fall in love with your first idea.
WOW. how very enlightening.
Everybody's happy.
I am happy,
getting to know more crazy people.
Becoming a lil more crazed nearing the msts..

Freaking busy..
Just gotta ride it out for 3 more weeks
and then its CHURCH RETREAT BABYYYY~~~
I always ALWAYS have a blast..
and then off next day to bro's condo in m'sia,
which is new, and above a shopping mall (EH HEHE)
and then off to india the next day i come back.
weeeeheeeee.

But
suffer now enjoy later.
Okay CPR exam tmr. DIE.
need to wake at 6.30am.
I should go to bed.
wait.
maybe i should practise CPR on my cat for a bit.
But
I'll most probably end up scratching her belly and ear,
so i think i'll pass.
nighty night.

2010-11-19T10:51:00.005+08:00

Me and Sonia 8)) Why are my eyes so small?! LOL might as well ask why am I asian.

My Fish!!!
DBS ice skating outing
Istana :))))
Sentosa funtime with the teensss
KUSU island lifeguard duty. LOL. It was fun but horrible because I was at the jetty
in Singapore for 4 literally stinking hours, getting high on ferry exhaust fumes..
Wanted to puke.. worse, the jetty was moving along with the waves..
I had such a major woosy episode even after the whole thing..
Felt like i was in the sea..

I realised I haven't put pictures in ages..
I hate wordy posts myself,
but couldn't be bothered to put them up..
Too busy.
and it's gonna get worse.

YAYYYYYYYYYYYYY!!!!

India please come quickly. I realise I will be overseas for most of the 3 weeks except save maybe 5 days in Singapore. How to do work like this!!!! Hmm.

Don't say a word, just come over.

2010-11-18T23:41:00.003+08:00

John Mayer songs just make me cry...

If I love someone...
I’m gonna go against the grain and I’m going to suggest that the next time you get a text from the one you love, the only person in the world that you love and can’t talk to, that you respond. That you just write back. When they ask if you’re up, and you’re up and you love them, just write back, “Yep, come over”, because life is just too short to keep playing the game. - John Mayer

oh how i wish it can be like this.
But it can't go the way I want it to.
Life's not that simple.

Love is really nothing
But a dream that keeps waking me,
For all of my trying
We still end up dying, how can it be?

Don't say a word just come over and lie here with me,
'Cause I'm just about to set fire to everything I see,
I want you so bad, I'll go back on the things I believed,
There I just said it, I'm scared you'll forget about me.

2010-11-17T15:44:00.003+08:00

At home on a rainy day.
Nice.
Except my brother made me feel all emo.
Talked to him on facebook earlier on
about mum and dad.. It was nice.
I'm glad we both made a decision.
Yes! Finally someone on my side wheeeeeee.

To me I think I'm mature for my age
(yea hahaha i do stop mocking me)
But then when my brother asked me about some stuff...
Made me think a lot.
He said if you love someone even if that
person was a murderer you'd still love him.
I'm like NO WAY MAN.. I'm not God..

If the person I love hurt me, why should I continue the relationship?
Isn't he supposed to love me enough to not hurt me?
If he hurts me, doesn't it mean that he doesn't love me enough
to want to protect me?

Not that i'll end it on a sour note, more like friends.
Just that I don't want to be in
such a close relationship with that person.
In case he hurt me again.
Even if I loved him,
I'd choose to let go.
Even if I loved him a lot.
I'd still let go.

But my brother says that's all bull if you really love the person.
and that "my time will come" when I will be able to comprehend all this...
uncommon sense and ridiculous way of thinking.

But is it really true?

Maybe I'm more of a practical than a
"omg I will follow you to the end of the earth because ILY"
Say all you want,
but I REALLY do not believe in a relationship where one party
destroys the other. Its not nice, its not fair, and it isn't LOVE.
IT ACTUALLY HURTS THE OTHER PARTY. LOVE OR NO LOVE.

Not saying that there won't be conflicts along the way,
but if both are willing to sort it out and try to not repeat the same thing
i'm all for it..

BUT if its like "yes i will change for you, believe me" and then
go do the exact same thing again, then NO TYVM.
Plus I really dislike this
changing for another person krap.
You change because it'll make you
a better person, and in turn make other people around you happier
because you have improved.
Changing just to appease someone will never work.
Maybe it will short term, but most likely not long term.

why am I ranting so?
No idea. Must be the rain. :)

Anway,
all i'm trying to say is,
I'm still figuring out the
"matured way of thinking"
which I find rather childish.
Because there ain't no benefits.
You just become miserable.

Ok now no one wants to marry me.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
yea like i care because i am 18. 8)

Gimme foodd

2010-11-15T20:24:00.003+08:00

I feel like I have a lot to say
but if I do say it,
I'll be the meanest female dog on earth.
So I should keep my trap shut and repent.

my cat is aggravating me further by pissing on my bag.
To mark her scent in case some male passes by
which will never happen because it's my room.

I wish I had more to say but I really don't?
Because my life is boring. HA-HA
It's just school and home for the weekdays.
and weekends I just stay at home and watch
Lord of the Rings. Just kidding.
But I do watch Lord of the Rings whenever I have a lot of free time on hand.
I love it.

ONE RING TO RULE THEM ALL~
The friendship between Frodo and Samwise Gamgee is also very touching.

From here, you can actually infer that I do not have much of a life.
HAHAHAHA.
But I like it this way.

i'm such a ninja. haha

2010-11-14T16:39:00.001+08:00

had poly lunch at just acia (is that how you spell it)
and it was niceee. stuffed myself so full.

i was about to enter my house and then something happened. sigh. im feeling so tired but yet i cant enter my own house. not because i cant but because i refuse to. no way am i going in.. im so tired of crying.. i just feel like i cant trust anyone. do i really look that dumb? trying to hide something from me is like impossible. i'll always find out in the end if i want to know. (in terms of my relationship with my mum)

so frustrated my face feels so stiff.
my face will definitely twist if i relax.
i hate being like this..
i want a simple and happy life.
that's all i want...

Lord must i really drink this bitter cup?
its so bitter i want to cry

I don't want to walk this earth if i gotta do it solo

2010-11-12T23:51:00.002+08:00

addictted to this song so suddenly..
Makes me feel like an AH BENG
hahahahahaha!
But hey who cares.
I just feel like this is an ah beng song.
LOL

ANYWAY
went to sentosa to surf..
flat surf though. Singapore fail at waves.
SO FUNNNNNNN
but i got rope abrasion (super painful esp in salt water)
3 big greenish lumpy bruises..
Chin, Rib, leg. OUCH MAN..
plus sunburn.
but it's worth it.
Thank God NCC taught me kayaking because it is a useful skill.
Had to use the paddle today too.

I'm tired.
Off to bed.

2010-11-12T00:45:00.002+08:00

I feel tired but my brain is still working.
Ugh.
So i decided to blog a little..

Training today was disappointing..
Didn't manage to pass the BM requirement..
Passing mark was 3.15 min
but i got 3.30min.
Ugh. So annoying.
I guess my perfectionist nature makes me feel like this.

Swam 38 laps today..
Freaking tiring. but at the same time relaxing.
ok i'm not making sense.
whatever.

Ok off to bed nao.

2010-11-09T23:36:00.002+08:00

Back home from training.
Exhausted, making me think of things that I don't wanna remember.
Thursday is the real test.
and I have yet to plunge the correct way.
So stressed up about that.
Ugh. Okay i'm not gonna care about LS till thursday..

Its not that I am acting like this for no reason..
But its not nice when people come up to you and warn you
about some impending doom when in reality nothing much is really going on.
And it also means someone is saying stuff behind my back,
in a heated/whatever manner. and it doesn't feel nice.
It makes me upset.
No one has faith in me. Like zero.
Then why should I have faith in myself?

I'm already so strung out like a thread that's about to snap,
and i'm holding on to the best of my ability,
but no one seems to see anything.
I am dangling off some cliff, but my pinky still holds on.
I won't let go.
I just need my space.
Why can't anyone trust me?
That's why I feel so frustrated.
I know i'm not perfect,
I am aware of my mistakes.
I'm not stupid.

I hate it when things blow out of proportion.
All I want is stability in my life.
Nothing seems to be going right in all areas of my life right now.
Nothing.

I just feel like screaming.

BRAIN QUIZZZ

2010-11-08T23:44:00.002+08:00

WHAT A SCARY QUIZ!!!???
ITS MOSTLY ACCURATE. ABOUT 96%..

You are a right brain dominant student!

You probably get bored during long lectures and prefer to take classes with a lot of freedom of movement and thought. You like to write stories and even tell stories about your funny experiences. You might be a little suspicious of other people's motives sometimes, but that's only because you can usually tell whenever someone is lying or when they're up to no good. You are a little on the dreamy side--or a lot. You plan books or movie plots but you don't always follow through on things you think about. You should work on that. You are fun and spontaneous, and probably active in sports or clubs. Your feelings run deep, and it shows. You have strong instincts, and you solve problems on hunches and feelings. You are artistic in some way. You can believe in things based on experience, without seeing scientific proof. You might be a finalist on Survivor some day, since you know how to read people so well, and you have great survival instincts.

Characteristics of Right-Brain Students
ALL ARE TRUE!!!!! or at least i think so.
* You take notes but lose them. You may have a hard time keeping track of your research
* You might have a hard time making up your mind
* You are good with people
* You don't fall for practical jokes as easily as some
* You seem dreamy, but you're really deep in thought
* People may have told you you're psychic
* You like to write fiction, draw, or play music
* You might be athletic
* You like mystery stories
* You take time to ponder and you think there are two sides to every story
* You may lose track of time
* You are spontaneous
* You’re fun and witty
* You may find it hard to follow verbal directions
* You are unpredictable
* You get lost
* You are emotional
* You don't like reading directions
* You may listen to music while studying
* You read lying down
* You may be interested in “the unexplained”
* You are philosophical

Your Classes

* In history class, you enjoy the social aspects most. You like to explore the effects of things that happened in history. You like the essays, too.
* You can do well in math class if you apply yourself, but you get bored doing long problems.
(epic understatement)
* Science? Boring. (not completely true leh?)
* You do well in English class, especially when it comes to reading literature and writing essays about books. You also do well in creative writing assignments.

Advice for Right Brain Students

* Choose to do personal essays
* Watch your daydreaming—keep it under control
* Let your imagination work for you in the arts
* Let your intuition work for you in social situations
* Let your deep thinking work for you during essay tests—but don’t ponder too long
* Be creative with essays. You can use colorful language well
* Use images and charts when you study
* Write down directions
* Try to be more organized!
* Don’t be overly suspicious of others
* Make outlines to organize your thoughts.
* Choose fiction in reading assignments
* Try to avoid teachers who lecture a lot; choose teachers who use activities
* You tell stories well, so write some!
* Put information into categories for better understanding
* Avoid getting bogged down by thinking of all possibilities when answering questions
* Finish things! You have so much talent, but you don’t always complete things.

Here's the link if you want to take it too:
http://homeworktips.about.com/library/brainquiz/bl_leftrightbrain_quiz.htm

2010-11-08T23:25:00.002+08:00

I changed my blogskin!
Got bored of the previous one which i had since forever..
Prefer this because it's simple and idiot proof.
Tata.

2010-11-07T18:10:00.003+08:00

There was this epic fight today at my neighbour's house..
I was so afraid...
I could feel my blood pressure rising very quickly..
People shouting/screaming, furniture shifting noises
I seriously have a major phobia for this kind of stuffs..
reminds me of things that i don't wanna remember.
Totally puts me on flight mode.
I half wanted to run to the house and knock on the door
even though i had a face mask on..
But i was too afraid and thought maybe i'd call the police.
By the time i made a decision everything stopped. LOL
You never know what people can do in their anger.

2010-10-29T00:24:00.002+08:00

I am so sick of my braces!!!
I just wanna rip them off...
Can't smile after eating,
worry about getting food stuck,
smile also smile until super awkward..
all for the sake of a nice row of teeth.

I'm off to bed soon,
dead tired from training.

2010-10-27T22:25:00.001+08:00

this song makes me cry!!
very touching.

The Lord's grace to Rebekah

2010-10-27T20:50:00.003+08:00

1 Tim 1:12-17

I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me faithful, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his unlimited patience as an example for those who would believe on him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen.

:')

Wednesdays

2010-10-27T17:20:00.002+08:00

Reached home at 1 pm today :)
Love days where i have nothing on.
So far for all my weeks since school started i only have
Monday and saturday where i have nothing on after school.
But since saturdays i hang out so it's left with monday.

ANYWAYS

I really look forward to dec 18!!
leaving for India for about 2 weeks!!!
woohooohoo!!!
Can't wait to get away from SG.
i think it'll be a good break for me.
But i can't really take spicy food
so i hope not all dishes have chilli in them.

I had a good sleep last night!!
my cat was so cute.
crawled onto my belly and mewed.
what an attention seeking cat!
Always look forward to going back home to see her.
My mum tells me that she always goes to sleep
at some corner and refuse to come out until i come back home.
How sweet is that!!!
and she only follows me at home ^^

2010-10-24T14:07:00.003+08:00

When I grow up and become a mother,
I will never ever let my daughter go through what I went through.
It's just too taxing on a child emotionally.
I've always wanted a simple life.
Just a life so simple.
I just wanna come home to good food,
watch a movie with my parents,
do my homework,
and have a good night's rest.
Nothing complicated.
But something so simple can be so dificult to attain.
or maybe you can call it impossible??

Sometimes I don't get why people
allow themselves to get hurt multiple times over.
Or go back to the dog that bit them,
or kick a nest of bees knowing something bad is gonna happen.
Its so hard to comprehend all these foolishness of the human nature.
Its so stupid I feel like screaming at the person's face to freaking wake up.
Throw glassware onto the floor to make my point.
Why can't I make choices for people,
if my option was for the better?

2010-10-20T02:00:00.002+08:00

I haven't been blogging very regularly these days..
been busy with the holidays and the start of school.
school has been really great so far except for the fact
that there is maths B. VKDKUJHVKEHKJHV
I know my past few posts has been pretty dramatic
(understatement of the year)
but that's my life for you.
Stupid mental battles going on,
and the day they stop is pretty much gonna be the day
i depart from this wretched earth.
FYI, I'm not an emo kid who wallows in a corner
and post all these weird stuff on my blog.
Blogging is like the only way i can release my pent up
frustration and weird-ness (if there is ever such a word)
so just read it with a light heart and move on with your life.
No need to panic, or worry or express disgust.
I won't kill myself.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
okay rebekah enough.

anyway,
i need sleep.

2010-10-12T00:45:00.002+08:00

I realised I have been hiding behind you for so long.
Everytime at the train station i see someone that looks like you,
or has the same back view as you I stop breathing.
How pathetic is that?
Very.
How stupid is that?
extremely.

I do that so often its like second nature to me.
I do not even realise that I do it.
I try to find that bit of you in every person I think I like.
And when I don't I give up.
Don't you ever dare look down on me,
or feel proud that someone feels this way towards you
because I hate myself for doing this.
If i found something that would stop this insanity I would
use it.

oh God what would you do with this wretched child of yours?
My actions are willing but the heart for some strange reason
refuses to let go.
Even though I cut off all forms of communication
it still haunts me.
They say the heart is willing but the body is weak.
I say the body is willing but the heart is weak.

The song where it says:
On christ the solid rick i stand,
all other ground is sinking sand.

I couldn't relate to that previously,
but now it just rings so clearly in my mind!
Everywhere I look now appears to be sinking.
except for the rock I am standing on.

Pardon the negativity,
but for tonightI just really really want to pour my heart out,
for it has been kept dormant for a little longer than usual.

Clearer Skies

2010-10-09T03:09:00.002+08:00

I had a lot of fun today.
Went to the Vienna Boys concert with Jon.
Very nice voices!!!
The sadest part was i couldn't understand what they were singing.
LOL
because they were singing in various foreign languages.
But i really enjoyed just listening.

One of their song was For the Longest Time by Billy Joel.
Classic piece! Love it!!

The past week has been crazy.
But I know it'll get better sooner or later.
This is life.
You get some, you lose some.

I really don't know what you are thinking.
Everyone says its readable,
but it's not to me!
Confusing.

2010-10-07T22:59:00.002+08:00

I feel so hurt i can't even cry.
I've never felt more alone than now.
Ridden with anger, guilt and sorrow.
Nothing is going right.
Nothing.
All my schemas are like rushing out,
like water escaping from a broken dam.
Just when i needed you the most you chose your pride over me..
Hurts so bad i can't even breathe..
I don't feel like dealing with all of this.
I need to go to bed and
have a good talk with God.

I've never felt so messed up before.
I can get through this.
I can and I will.

2010-10-05T23:31:00.002+08:00

I feel like i need a hug.
someone to tell me that everything's gonna be okay.
Reality just freaks me out sometimes.
All i wanna do is curl up in bed and shut my eyes,
and hope that when i open them again,
it'll all be just a nightmare and nothing more.
It's a frickin battle field out there.

I am such an avoider.
I know.
You don't have to tell me.

Its just that sometimes i feel so so so exhausted from relying on
my own strength. At home sometimes I feel like the adult.
I want to lead a normal life for once.
It just makes me weep at the thought of God having so much faith in me.
He gives me situations that He knows i can handle,
but i don't feel like i can handle it.
Why does he have so much faith in me?

God please hold my hand through this and don't ever leave me.

Signs of insanity from this lady

2010-10-03T21:32:00.003+08:00

Today was really a great day!
With Alexis's baptism, and also sharon's party.

I feel like smacking myself.
because i always act the exact opposite of my feelings.
My body just automatically does it for me.
Its like some independant system that adjusts by itself.
I honestly can't seem to control myself.
Like I actually turn and face a different direction.

I CAN'T FIND THE PHOTO DANG IT MAN SERIOUSLY.
MUST HAVE DELETED IT. ARGH.
WHY DID YOU GO AND DELETE IT.. IT WAS SO NICE..
LIKE THE ONLY NICE PHOTO EVER.

okay forget it.
or maybe i should just forget this whole thing.
I am too paranoid and sensitive when it comes to this kind of stuff
and i really really detest the way i act.
Makes me feel really out of myself, which isn't cool at all.
Bothers me so much more than I thought it would,
and it is NOT GOOD AT ALL.
I want to live a carefree life, where we can do whatever we want,
according to our priorities, not tied down or attached to anything.
I don't wanna be all selfish and become bitter at lame stuff,
that isn't even important at this point of my life.

2010-10-02T20:01:00.002+08:00

Fell asleep at the computor. LOL
crawled back to bed and knocked out.
Been feeling quite tired.
Went to the hospital for 3 days in a row.
ADDIS WENT BACK HOME!!
i'm so happy.
Complete rest though.
:)
God has been good.
He has always been good.
Just that sometimes i refuse to see it and wallow in self pity.
Like a dork.
sorreh.

Girl you're amazing, just the way you are

2010-09-29T13:43:00.003+08:00

and when you smile,
the whole world stops and stares for awhile.

Today is a beautiful day.
I've always loved to go back home because it's like my
comfort zone, my safe house.
But now it's such a struggle.
I feel like its only a hotel i come back to.
I want to leave.

I always talk, but there's no action,
so although i want to leave,
i won't do it.

Just have to stick it out this time i guess.

2010-09-28T22:01:00.003+08:00

Class chalet was awesome!!!
Laughed so much.
Didn't go for ice camp though.
Was very tired. So i came back 3 days ahead of my schedule.
Woopee.
Spent the whole day like sleeping to make up for the loss of sleep. :D

I wish i can express my feelings to my mum,
but i feel like it's so hard.. like there's a wall between us..
and it makes me so upset that i can't bear it,
so i just hang out with my cat in my room.
I feel like this is the point of no return,
and i feel like things are so out of my control, its so scary,
and i feel so afraid.
Sigh. It sucks to have someone replace me..
I might as well disappear from the face of this earth.

I'm so negative i know.
But i think when i wake up tomorrow i might just think
this post is insane..

Guess the only person that won't leave me or hurt me is God.
Why are we so imperfect?
These stupid imperfections hurt other people.

I really yearn to go to that place
where there will be no tears no pain and no sorrow.
I'm not being suicidal,
so don't be so judgemental of me.

There will be a time for everything i guess.

A little too little too late.

2010-09-27T00:54:00.006+08:00

Will be away for much of this week due to chalet and ICE camp.
:)
Happy and sad.
There were some unresolved issues this week
that was really bothering me.
So I think this will give me some breathing space,
and then come back with a more refreshed mind.
And i really look forward to spending more time with my school friends
which i don't really hang out outside of school.. YAY !
and also make new friends during camp.
hmm. I hope i'll have fun.
We'll see.

I think this song is so sweet.
Its like looking into my future. Maybe.
There will be ups and downs,
I guess the ones who really love you are the ones that stick through
with you thick and thin, happy or sad.

This is one of the most sadest song for me :'(
Makes me cry like 95% of the time so i try not to listen to it.
The lyrics are like so relatable that its scary.
But its an awesome song.

Another one of my sobby songs.
Makes me feel so much pain. D:
But oh well. When a door closes, God opens another one for me.

2010-09-24T10:10:00.002+08:00

Its now like 10 am.
I only have something on in school at 2 pm so i wanted to sleep in.
But then when i called into IBM centre to ask for some help regarding my lappy
they said they'll send a technician and he will call me to set up an appointment.
so i had to wake up early today.
This was 3pm yesterday afternoon.
JUST NOW he called and said he'll reach in 20 min.
I'm like oh okay because i was sleeping and didn't really get to process everything he said,
and then after i hung up i was like "what in the world just happened?!"
SO Rude.
Plus i'm a girl. I need to go change and get prepared and stuff when people come,
if not i'll look like a monster.
and What if i wasn't at home. LOL.

But anyway,
i switched it on and it worked just fine.
So i texted him and said he doesn't have to come already.
OOOPS. (btw i'm not seeking revenge. it really worked, unlike yesterday)
Phew, i thought something went wrong with my com..
it was emitting this really annoying sound and i can't play any song or video.

ANYWAYS,
next week shall be a very fun week because i have a chalet followed by a camp after.
so i won't be at home, and will be away from my computer.
FINALLYYYYYYYYY!
I enjoy camps and meeting new people so much.
going for the briefing in school later..
ugh i feel so lazy to travel all the way to dover just for a meeting.
BATAM this saturday again ^^
Teaching children is fun, and so is eating seafood there.

I don't think i should be getting a job.
I have so many activities going on.

Was at the hospital yesterday.
Sigh. I felt really out of place there.
I wish i could camp overnight and be there for him,
but then again they said only 4 can be in there at any one time,
so of course his family first.
I really can't bear to see him like this,
i remember as i was holding his hands i prayed so hard
that it'll be fine. To the point i like cried because i couldn't hold it in anymore..
When i saw him seriously didn't know what to say except
"You're famous now haha got so many people queuing up to see you"
and
"your roommates look boring"
I'm like great job rebekah.
That's so me, to say things that are out of place.
Argh.
i'm off to sleep again. exhausted.

Mixed feelings.

2010-09-22T00:00:00.003+08:00

I got my new degree goggles yay.
I no longer have to swim blind.
awesome..
we swam lots and did lunges and leg raises i almost died.
and then played games..
my group lost for the relay thing and had to "muah chee" on the sand..
Luckily everyone forgot so we needn't do it.. weird.
went to clementi for dinner and home sweet home..
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I feel like this relationship is so one way..
and i get so drained out everytime i talk to you,
and sometimes i even have to watch what i say.
I mean i'm glad we're friends and stuff,
but its like a bit too much for me.
Its like i try so hard to like help you feel better about stuff,
but i feel like you don't care anything about me,
or what i did, or how i feel about something.
How is "okay." tell me that you're interested.
You can at least pretend like you care.

Or maybe sometimes i say something out of line unintentionally to you
and then you like get annoyed...
We might as well not talk,
because everytime it leaves me hanging there.
and i don't like that feeling.
totally not helping my emotions.
Maybe its exam stress, maybe its selfishness.
I don't know.
Everything is so unclear right now its hard for me to know anything.
I love you and everything, i just wished you would love me back even a little.
Sigh. I'm glad i have lots of friends to compensate for this.
Maybe i'm just thinking too much,
I shouldn't even expect ANYTHING from you.
I should love everyone without holding back.

if you're foaming and thinking i'm in a relationship,
you just wasted saliva and brain signals.
Relationship can also be between mother and daughter,
father son, friend to friend.

Got some bad news today too..
I feel like crying.
Hope nothing bad happens..
Man.
Only at times like this that you know how important that person is to you.

2010-09-21T15:23:00.002+08:00

Its like everytime I feel something
and i express it,
it always seem to hit an invisible wall and bounce back to me..
and then i feel foolish.

Wipe it all off

2010-09-21T14:17:00.003+08:00

This past week i've been in a rather dazed mode (i feel)
and now that i realise it i really want to shake off all those
unecessary emotions that aren't doing me any good.
Who was i to make any plans anyway..
I feel really stupid..
What the heck was I thinking..
From now on there'll be nothing.
Not even a hint.
Its not important at this point in my life anyway.
There are like 10000000000000001 things which are of more
importance than this.

Awesome.

Btw, my goggles are nowhere to be found..
WHERE THE HECK IS IT...
My mum couldn't find it........
I told her if she cant find it she'll have to buy me another speedo goggle
WITH degree and swim cap.. muahaha. BUT STILL. I want my old one back.
WHERE THE HECK IS IT.. PLEASE STOP HIDING...
COME OUT I BEG YOU..

its always at this point of time,
i wished i had a wand like in harry potter.
I just have to say accio goggle and swim cap and they'll fly to me.

Swimming practice

2010-09-21T00:52:00.003+08:00

I seriously HATE IT when people touch my stuff and then forget where they
place it.. The kindest thing to do in return for touching my things is remembering
what you did with it.
I can't find my beloved goggles and swim cap which i love dearly.
And that speedo goggles has sentimental value to me.
My mum kindly packed my room
and emptied my swimming bag
and threw its contents to goodness knows where.
I feel like kicking the wall..
Like seriously..
its nowhere in my room and i feel like screaming.
I practically overturned my room searching for it.

I am gonna scream my head off and cry if she can't find it..
No amount of money can buy back that goggles..
If you think i am overreacting, you don't understand anything.

So annoyed that i don't think i can sleep well.....
WHERE THE HECK IS IT........ ARGHHH

Been disney-ing :P

2010-09-13T21:40:00.001+08:00

Down an unknown road
To embrace my fate
Though the road may wander
It will lead me to you
And a thousand years
Would be worth the wait
It may take a lifetime
But somehow I'll see it through

And I won't look back
I can go the distance
And I'll stay on track
No I won't accept defeat
It's an uphill slope
But I won't lose hope
Till I go the distance
And my journey is complete

Oh Me of little faith.

2010-09-13T21:27:00.002+08:00

Sigh.
I guess I shouldn't have expected anything from you.
its already halfway through but it seems like nothing has changed.
I'll let you go.
If that's what you want.
You can do whatever you want to without anyone yakking away at you,
calling you,
or texting you.

God give me strength to have at least a bit of faith.

lovely evening.

2010-09-09T21:53:00.004+08:00

I went to seletar reservoir today for a walk.
it was really refreshing and beautiful.
walked for like 2 hours and my legs hurt.
but i feel really really at ease right now.

somehow the walk helped me to feel more sane
and i could think clearer, reflect,
and sort out some mental problems. (i'm not insane thx)

the past few days has been kinda crazy.
had some regrets.
i think i am such an impulsive person.
and i think i speak my mind too much.
sometimes its good,
but this time i think i really crossed the line.
my line that i drew for myself.
dang it reb.
sigh. i guess it's a rebekah thing.
i need to practice self control from now onwards.
like seriously.

Sigh. I feel like i have so much to say,
but i can't say it.
not a good feeling for me.
not good at all.
but what to do?
:/

my baby fish :)
with more babies inside that little tummy.
i'm becoming a grandmother soon :)
whoopee

2010-09-09T17:22:00.002+08:00

I realised i am a really really really boring person.
My favourite thing to do is go home and slack.
no kidding.
i am definitely not a town person.
i think i love the comfort of my room too much.
cant be bothered to go out.
it's either i'm at school, or at sonia's house or at church.
HAHAHAHAHA.

i think i should go out for a walk.
i feel like i'm in desperate need of fresh air and scenery.
its been awhile since i did that.
if only i can walk my cat too :(
but she's pregnant so i dont wanna put her health at risk.
she's been pretty boring lately.
eating and sleeping.
she only entertains me when i have food :(

off i go now.
have a great week!

dreams.

2010-09-07T23:19:00.002+08:00

i guess i really lack of sleep
because i slept from 4 plus to 10:30pm.
D:
nobody woke me up!
my mum said i looked tired so she didn't wanna bother me.
woke up halfway to stop my nephew from crying.
my mother went out to get some stuff and he freaked out.
I managed to stop his crying.
i was like "wow not bad rebekah!"
as you know i have rather bad luck with kids.
and then i flopped onto my bed and
dozed off immediately.
hahaha.
all i feel like doing is sleeping.
hibernate forever.
and let rebekah no.2 carry on with life.

:D

2010-09-06T17:32:00.004+08:00

Things i want to do:

I want to watch a movie alone again.
I want to wear my pjs along with my converse and go for a walk with my music.
I want to switch on the ac to the coldest degree, wrapped up in blankies, drinking warm tea with a book in hand
I want to watch a movie on my bed, hugging my teddy
i want to watch tv, eating chips and maggie mee.
i want to go for a brisk walk with the sun shining in my face
I want to swim in the sea alone, have a pinic on the beach alone.
I want to walk along the sea, picking up my favourite seashells.
I want to bury my most prized possesion under the sand, never to see it again.

cheers to the day it completely goes away.
Till then,
sweet dreams.

all i want to say to you is in here:

ilyg.

2010-09-05T13:50:00.003+08:00

you know,
if i could remove all the dilemna you're facing,
all the struggles that you went through,
i would.
but i can't.
I can only pray that God will give you courage,
and that I can give you encouragement.
I can do a million things for you,
but bottomline is,
you take the step,
break out into a run, even.
and cross the finishing line.
Take all the time,
use up all the resources,
but cross the line.

I was looking through a couple of photos,
and i really wish i can turn back time,
I really hope all of us can resolve our own issues
and then come back together as one before we step into
the next leg of the race where we take different paths in life.
but then I know that although the path splits up for now,
10/20/30 years later it will join back again,
and there will be only one path for all of us,
which is the road onto heaven.
and i know by then we'll always be there for each other.

talking about nothing in particular.

2010-09-04T13:15:00.003+08:00

today is such a blank day for me.
not much in my head.
i'm gonna share poor contribution next sunday and
i am so thrilled!! i have so much to say.
i better not start ranting on stage.
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
and martin called me from aussie land.
land of the kangaroos. and koalas.
so happy to hear from him.
can't wait till we're all finally rooted in singapore for good.
i will really miss sonia when she goes overseas.
i might cry everyday.

and this time there is a high probability that me cat is preggers.
YAYYYYYYY.
I LOVE KITTENS.
sadly, i dont know who is the dad so i
dont know what colour is he.
i was a white and black kitten :(
i want a cow in my house :(
i want babies.
okay that sounds weird.
but i want feline babies running all about.
i want them to swarm me.
hahahahahah!
cats ftw!

i realised i dont talk about school life much.
that's because i am already facing it everyday,
and have to worry about it in my waking hours,
why make it more difficult for myself
even when i blog, which i love doing.

toodle pip, like he would say.

CRAZED.

2010-09-03T09:02:00.003+08:00

cradling my cat as i type with one hand..
its an awesome morning.
had pam's birthday yesterday and it was so fun.
sonia came and stayed over.
LOL.
every single time she comes over we do something really crazy.
like, yesterday night, i cut her hair for her.
yes i cut her hair.
i was like omg omg omg i'm gonna cut okay!
no regrets ah??
and then she said no regrets.
so snip snip snip.
AND THE END PRODUCT WAS HORRIBLE.
JUST KIDDING.
IT WAS AWESOMMMMMEEEEEEEE LIKEE WHAATTTTTT!
she loved it and i loved it too! :)
lol. success. phew.
maybe years of watching my mum since young has
like empowered me to be able to cut nicely.
even though i never really tried it before.
and then we painted nails,
and squeezed on my single bad and slept.
it was nice. lol. I sound pervy.
but you know what i mean.
we're like both really comfortable with each other.
we sleep surprisingly still for such active people.
sleep like the dead.

i think when we were on the bus home
people thought we were lesbians or something.
weird... like er no?
we're best friends hello?
sigh.

i love my friends.
every single one of them are awesome.
and i can't even remember which ones were unpleasant.
because all of them are really pleasant
and are special in their own way.
I really believe that everyone is good hearted.
just that because of some hidden reason that they
aren't nice sometimes.
so i understand,
because i'm not very nice 24/7 either.
i tend to go into my own world alot,
and stone,
and then some people think i'm like being emo
or like indifferent, or proud whatever.
i'm like "what???? i wasn't emo-ing?!"
i'm just being chill. too chill maybe.

and then there's this super sensitive part.
where i read people. sometimes too much
it unnerves them. i need to snap myself out of it sometimes.
it's like a good and bad thing.
might cause some misunderstandings. or misinterpretation.

moral of the story,
i need to be more aware of my surroundings.
haha.

hugging buddha's leg D: not literally. lol.

2010-09-02T01:32:00.003+08:00

its like one thirty in the morning and i have a test tomorrow.
:)
hope i do well.
hope everyone does well.
:)

today was a really great day.
i feel encouraged by the bible talk..
more like enlightened.
i realised if someone asks me
why do you believe in God
i really don't know how to answer
because i like known Him ever since i could breathe.

But i think i would say,
because someone as great as Him
was willing to die for my sins,
trampled on by people,
spat on,
flogged in public,
crucified,
but yet still have compassion and love
for the people who have tortured him.
I think this is amazing.

When i get caught up by the things of this world,
i always try to remind myself that
i can't bring everything i have to the grave,
i can only bring the love people had for me,
the people i love,
and the memory of how i lived my life.
My education certs can become toilet paper,
and the money i earned, eaten by pigs.
i don't want to die full of regrets
and meet God emptyhanded.

to God be the glory forever and ever.
and may your will be done on earth as it is in heaven.

half of my heart.

2010-08-31T16:14:00.001+08:00

Oh, half of my heart's got a grip on the situation
Half of my heart takes time
Half of my heart's got a right mind to tell you
That I can't keep loving you (can't keep loving you)
Oh, with half of my heart

Back to you
it always comes around back to you
tried to forget you
tried to stya away
but it's too late.
over you you
i'm never over, over you
somethin about you
just the way you move,
the way you move me.

forgive me love,
i can't turn and walk away
not this way.

Can't get enough of john mayer.
seriously.
he is so awesome i wish he was my boyfriend.
okay just kidding.
but i think he's one heck of a singer song writer.
plus. i think he's quite a nerd too. haha.

The heart is deceiving.

2010-08-30T19:35:00.003+08:00

SIGH.
i was on the train today.
feeling particularly weird.
it's been quite a long time since i felt that way.
that stupid "i feel like crying but i can't" is temporarily back.
Maybe it wasn't that,
if not why am i feeling this way.
It's just so hard sometimes..
I really have to swallow all my feelings and suppress it.
Its like cancer. It spreads fast.
that's why i'm on suppressants (metaphorically speaking).
It is definitely not a good feeling.
Makes me want to scream and cry
because it hurts inside.
i'm SUCH a girl.

I will avoid this at all costs.
as if my life depends on it.
No.
I can't always have what I want.
Because what i want can't lead me to eternal life.
No. Rebekah. No.

Oh God give me strength to carry on.
I don't want to be held back by this.
I really want out.
ugh.

I suddenly feel alot better. aha.
okay back to studying. :)

don't you dare judge me.

2010-08-30T11:31:00.004+08:00

good news is: the aliens have agreed to leave my house on tuesday night 6pm.

Bad news is: my exams are on thursday.
and i have no table to study on.
You know what i feel like doing?

Like in those movies when the person gets angry and they
are conveniently near their work desks,
they just swipe the crap off. in one single move.
that's what i feel like doing..
it's really annoying me.
most of them are my mum's stuff..
and her clothes are in my cupboard.

don't freak out.
I love her.
She is my life.
and I am willing to jump in front of a car to save her.
no doubt about that.
so stop foaming.

Sorry but i think i may have OCD.
this entire 10 day operation has totally knocked me off my feet
and i can't think properly without worrying.
i need my space. i need a clean wide table.
spaces where i can walk without wearing slippers (cos it's real dusty)
clean toilets.
and i can't get well from this illness that i've been having for the past week..
might have abs from all the coughing by now :D
I hate it when my stuff mixes with other people.
It justs unnerves me.
sigh. why am i so weird. i wish i can stop feeling this way.

I am never gonna do this again.
Hell no.
Renovations when you are in the house
SUCK.
it sucks so bad i feel like puking.

okay rebekah please stop going crazy and do your work.

2010-08-29T22:31:00.002+08:00

Okay i feel really really horrible.
i coughed until my tears came out and
now my jaw hurts really badly.

Gosh i need to get well for my exams?!
please please please please get well body.

i shall not pursue this but trust in God.

Going crazy.

2010-08-29T00:12:00.002+08:00

I'm kind of done with this..
it seriously gets on my nerves.
Why did i even think in that direction.
like why?!
to think that i even thought it might work out.
Obviously, what I say is of no importance.
Yet all this time i have been feeding the idea,
making it grow to a huge balloon.
Feeding it like a mother stuffing her overweight child with coconut oil.
okay that's kind of scary.
but you get the idea.
Rebekah,
you need to stop it right now.
and like wake up from your dream.
*thinks about inception*
I need to stop getting so affected.
I need to stop giving attention.
I need to stop all this insanity.

Guarding the heart.

2010-08-27T10:52:00.003+08:00

colbie caillat is an amazing singer.
her voice makes me feel really at ease.
glad that her songs arent like really emo,
but lighthearted and in a "things will turn out well" manner..
love her.

lately i've been doing quite a lot of thinking.
and i definitely don't wanna go in that direction again.
i dare say that i'm doing beter than ever.
and i'm getting better at snapping out of weird emo moments. :)
training. hahaha!
it's really strange what time does to people.
but at the same time its amazing.
you suffer, but because of time it comes to pass.

God, i love you.
so much.

2010-08-25T02:46:00.002+08:00

WOW.
date with clarence was really fun.
we got scared by a crab who was hiding in the sandcastle we were trying to build.
we bladed around ecp, went to mana mana to eat (really good place with
awesome ambience for a date), blade back,
walked for miles, built sandcastles, talked a whole lot.
it was really nice.
last time people always like answer quizzes about their ideal date,
and this was mine :)
loved yesterday.
really.

I thought there wouldn't be a person who would build sandcastles with me
because they "grew up" and its lame, or troublesome.
But i'm glad we both enjoyed it.
we kind of gave up though.
more like i gave up first because it was very dark and couldnt see much..
but we made a few small castles hahaha.
too bad i didnt bother to take pictures.
kind of regret it now.

i think when i'm 30, i'll still suggest playing catching or hide and seek.
there is a difference between being child-like and childish.
true that.

with this i shall retreat into my land of dreams
AND STUDY TMR WHAT A SPOILER FOR MY DREAMY DAY.

2010-08-23T13:59:00.002+08:00

listening to norah jones,
feeling mellow.

bad times has come to her.
i wonder if i were in her shoes i think it would kill me.
to have like 3 of his best friends against me.
But then again, maybe it would be better.
i'd rather it stop now than stop 10 years later,
by then maybe i would like stab myself like those japanese men do.
They say it's honour, i say it's cowardice.
Not wanting to put up with the punishment,
avoiding it by dying instead.

guess i'll find out in september.
maybe it might break my heart,
but i have faith.
and i think i might be able to take another blow,
when M gave me one earlier this year.
Life. you get some, you lose some.
of course i would prefer not to lose any.
but sometimes i feel like the harder i hold onto something,
the more likely it will slip away from my grasp.
so i dare not assume anything.

but God if you are willing, take this cup from me.
Don't crush all that i have left.
okay maybe not all that i have left.

I now understand what ying jiun says when
you can love every single person whole heartedly.
i used to think that i could only take on a few in my heart.
like A: 10%
B: 10%
C:15%
and so on.

but the human heart is actually capable of loving
A:100%
B:100%
C:100%
and so on.
so i think it would hurt very very much if one is missing.

sigh my every post is like my heart talking.
which is good.
I don't wanna keep posting about this or that place i went
unless i'm like super psyched up about that day.
i bet you also don't care where i've been or what i've been doing.
If it were me,
i'd like to read about how Rebekah is feeling and coping with life.
not how she can go about looking as if nothing in life affects her.
that's nonsense.

because you can't always be so stoned.
the emotions have to come out some place or another.
hide it, stop it, and your head will blow up, to the point where i can
pop it with a needle and everything will spill out.
haha what a funny metaphor.

2010-08-22T23:49:00.003+08:00

i had this really weird dream just know.
it was about you. not you you, but you.
i felt exactly the same way.
just like 2 years ago.
it was scary.
i can't even hide my feelings in a dream.
just great. why am i so readable.
But in reality, I don't feel anything anymore.
not sure if i am just hiding it in or if its really real.
i don't know what's real anymore.
because you think you feel a certain way now,
it completely changes the next day or next week or next month or year or decade.
and i can go on and on.
i think that is the most scariest part of human nature.
the ability to adapt, even if it means leaving what you love behind.
or what you use to love. You hurt yourself, you hurt other people.

i'm the worst when it comes to change.
i hate change.
i dislike having to move forward.
it unnerves me to leave my security behind.
isn't a good thing, but i'm learning. :)

sigh. the previous paragraph is like shouting out my mistrust towards
people. i can't help it. i really dislike how i let people in,
but end up being too vulnerable, and getting hurt.
SUCH a teeny bopper assumption but you HAVE to admit it's true.
not saying EVERYONE but some.
Really comforts me that men will fail me but God never does.
the only person who will actually hold you and never let go (metaphorically)

but then again, if life was perfect, there isn't even a need to have a heaven.
so the more hellish it gets here,
the more i look forward to going to heaven.
i wish i can go right now and be with God.
where there is no pain, no sorrow, and no tears.
just pure joy. pure love EVERYWHERE.
the only thing i wonder is that if my cat can go with me :)
haha. that would complete the picture.
I can literally just cry at the thought of a place
where I won't have to struggle everyday,
and be happy. really happy.

I think i know why people have pets.
They give owners something that people aren't able to give.
complete comfort and loyalty.
I can see a little bit of God's character in them.
(other than the anyhow peeing and pooping part)
No matter how much you let tell them off for something wrong they did,
vent your anger at them,
annoy them,
ignore them,
mistreat them,
under feed them,
(not saying i do all of that!)
the still crawl back to you and want your presence.

No matter how much i say i don't need God,
how I only need to rely on my own wisdom and not God's,
rather do things my way which is the wrong way,
angry and bitter towards God,
He still freaking loves me.
Which insane person loves such a failure like me.
I have so many flaws i can't even count.
I can never dare to say that God doesn't exist.
Plus i learn all the science and stuff.
the human body itself is living proof.
we're so detailed.
:)
before this becomes some kind of propaganda,
i end here.

kampung spirit.

2010-08-21T11:18:00.003+08:00

Feeling a little claustrophobic now..
blasting music into my ear to help me breathe better.
please please please let the 10 days be over quickly
so i can live a normal life...
please please.

I had to go to the resident's toilet downstairs just now.
i was in my PJs and people were staring.
was in my hoodie with the hood on
but it was kinda pointless cos people still stared omg.
Why did i have to go downstairs?
because the kitchen where my toilet is was sealed for construction.
so i had to use the one they set up for residents downstairs.
one guy who lives in the same block as me was like naked
save for a towel around the waist when i was downstairs.
i was like "what in the world is going on" 0.0
should wear some kind of glasses that can censor stuff out.
at least wear a shirt!
my poor eyes.

worse. my mum is not with me.
i am alone at home with construction workers waiting outside.
okay i'm a bit too paranoid.
but still!
i bet you'll feel the same way as me.
One of those times when i wish i was a boy.
How the heck am i gonna step out of my room... :((
feelings super not at ease and anxious now.

God please help me to stop being so nervous about nothing..

Me trying to Stop the evil mini-me.

2010-08-21T09:36:00.003+08:00

the HDB house upgrading program is
SO NOT COOL.
now ALL of my house is covered in plastic sheets
to prevent dirt from getting in.
and my room is like super stuffed with sofas and stuff.
i can't even get to my wardrobe without climbing over things.
and my mum is sharing the room with me.
not good. cos i really like my personal space.

and the most awesome thing of all,
THERE IS NO TOILET OR SHOWER.
when i saw the makeshift bathroom in the MIDDLE
of my kitchen i was like "oh my gawd i didn't want it like this"
and the water that came out was like ICE.
i am SO going to church to bathe later.
Plus tonight i have to doll up for girls night out at clarke quay.
just great man.
and i can't even walk around barefooted cos of the dust from the
construction going on in my house.
now i am stuck in my room,
and i don't dare to go out because the construction workers are outside.
and just now when i heard their voices outside my house I actually felt
scared.

Okay i'm done being a whiny annoying spoilt brat.

Yesterday while i was shivering due to the cold shower.
A thought kind of like hit me,
right in the face,
in between my forehead.
It came out like this:" Who the heck are you to complain like this,
your mum isn't even complaining, and you didn't even help to pack the stuffs,
you're just required to stay in a stuffed room and use a makeshift bathroom
that at least has water coming out for 10 stinking short days."
I was kind of humbled and guilty.
Its true. At least i have a house to live in, water to use and drink.
I really take for granted even the most basic thing.
So i was like:"Okay you are not to complain about anything in front of mummy anymore
you tard. Suck it up and be grateful"
So that was my mini-sobering session in the shower.
HAHA.
Can't wait for later!!!